Period prior to the “results “of the Biopsy

I know this is another massive hurdle as we (the family& friends) approach tomorrow afternoons, outpatients’ certainly on a par with the Biopsy as far as I am concerned-‘make or break?  Emotions are running high in the Harmer household. Nevertheless we are holding up well due to combination of forces that have come together naturally plus some hard work from the home team.

Thanks to the numerous well wishers and all the support, this has been overwhelming, and has come in every shape & guise; from near and far. Looking after each other, lots of hugs, talking.

Drawing upon our individual and combined strength. There has already been a great deal of positive that has spontaneously come out of this ‘bombshell’. I hope some of you will benefit and as I continue to do so in the same way as I have gained in strength and wisdom, hope for humanity from this whole experience. It’s great to be human on this amazing planet.

I am sticking to my meditation and yoga as well as a routine for all the basics whilst pushing myself a bit more each day. Fortunately the boys are sensible enough to carry on with their lives as normal (putting The White Stripes & Arctic Monkeys on my iPod and playing it loud, arguing, coming in at all hours etc) so ensuring some sense of normality. I have tried to venture out in spite of the snow though tend to go with another.

Yesterday Rory and I witnessed a fairly disturbing incident outside the Coop on Mill road where an altercation erupted amongst a group of street drinkers. Fairly normal stuff again for those of you familiar with area. At one point a perpetrator was threatening another of the group with a wine bottle. I think Rory thought I was going to intervene so he grabbed me by the arm in a restrictive/protective manner (as if I or anyone would be daft enough to take on anyone waving a bottle, whilst drunk and in an agitated state?). Lessons in life – Common sense. I was taken back twenty years ago when I used to walk the boys as toddlers home from school and we would see the heroin users injecting themselves in the grounds of a local church. Or would venture into the old public toilets (since demolished and rebuilt) where we would manoeuvre around the discarded needles and assembled somewhat intimidating (though never threatening to the kids; there is humanity in us all however deeply buried and glazed over by drink) drugs users. Things have improved thanks to the combined efforts of the council, drug/street support workers, police and community.  

I still don’t have a mobile. Little sister (EK) and her wonderful husband (Nick) have loaned me a couple of modern devices (as locals the lifts dropping off at the hospital have been so helpful reducing the stress of hospital car parking, which I promise to learn to use an join the vast majority. Therefore I did not ring 999. Instead, I phoned 911 which is what I thought was the non emergency number (that’s for the USA). When I dialled the 101 the incident had already been phoned in by two others as an emergency as I/Rory feared at the time. Rory pointed out that he had seen a couple of school girls walking by as it was happening who looked pretty spooked by the incident.

Symptoms: Headaches, vision disturbances have not been a particular problem in the last few days. I have felt consistently apprehensive and at times moderately anxious & have some common physical/motor symptoms, dry mouth, and restlessness, feeling on edge. My mood is holding up and though I have moments of emotional lability where some small gesture or act of kindness either directed at me or others (perhaps something from the radio or news item); something I see in Anne or the boys that triggers thoughts about the past, the future and tears well up albeit momentary unless of course Anne joins in and the flood gates remain open.

Behaviour

I notice I am in what I call “Reverse Nesting” mode. I have this need to feel that everything is in place and sorted; just in case? Not that I doubt that my eldest son could take up his rights and responsibilities under primogeniture.

Outcomes

I have eschewed looking up anything about tumours and the treatment prognosis etc, etc. I feel there is no point until we know what we are dealing with. As I say, this is a hurdle which we will overcome. Taking value in each moment at a time. Tonight I have enjoyed a wonderful supper, some music (Jake Thackeray), good conversation (Ferrets!), and beer. And now I’m off to the pub with my good friend PM and RT, who sorted me a Richard Thompson ticket. All normal stuff. Life is sweet.

And some of the music I have been listening to - because Friday night will always be music night (even from Wednesday):

Nic Jones: Canadee I O

Chris Wood: John Ball

Jay Z: Give it to Me

NH 23/01/2013